Last year at this time, I wrote about how awful it felt to 'claim' Eleanor on our taxes when she wasn't here. I thought it would be less painful this year. But just like everything I have experienced in this grieving process, you just never know. As I was preparing my information for the accountant, I pulled my four month old daughter's social security card out. It suddenly hit me that we won't be 'claiming' Ellie this time.
It feels like a punch in the gut every time these realizations occur. I mean, I accept she is gone. I definitely don't understand why she had to die and I definitely wish she were still here. But I am in the stage were I can go several days before there is a major trigger that makes me step back. I always think of her. I watch her baby sister and can't help but wonder what Ellie would be like at that age or now as a two year old. But most days I can keep my emotions fairly stable. I suspect things like this will happen the rest of my life. As grieving mothers know, and constantly fight to remind people: "how can I ever forget my child?" I hate that the federal government has already.