What does that mean? Strong. "You are so strong." "You are stronger than you think." No, I don't think I am strong. Quite the opposite really. But what other option do I have? I must wake up. I must care for my son, whom I love more than anything except my husband. I must get up and go through the routine. I want the beautiful baby girl growing inside me. So, I continue on. I try. I try so very hard.
I have been fighting tears the last few days. On Saturday we went to the Ronald McDonald House where we stayed during Ellie’s fight. We try to bring lunch occasionally to the brave, humble, loving parents staying there because people did it for us when we were guests. We decided to stay and eat with them this time and spoke to a nice father and mother-in-law. We also got to see Ellie’s “heart” displayed in the hall. If you aren’t aware, the RMDH memorializes children with hearts…this chapter has several, several display cases full of them. It was emotional to see hers. I miss her so badly. I think about what she would look like and what her personality might be. My heart aches for her.
This morning, after we dropped our son off at daycare, I had a flashback to the moment I was holding Ellie and signing as her heart slowly stopped. I didn’t want to upset or worry my husband so I fought as hard as I could to make the tears stop. I’m not sure he noticed. But I could hear and smell everything from those last moments. I caught myself starting to rock in my seat as I thought about it all. She felt so good in my arms even thought I knew it would be the last time…
Tears. I try so hard to think back on my grief counseling. Distraction. Looking at a picture of my son. Deep breaths. Take a drink of water. Count something to use that other part of your brain. Take a walk. This is so hard. When will it get easier? August marks the 19 month since Ellie died and it still feels so fresh.
I start my third trimester this week and I am terrified. Although we got the “almost” all clear from the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist and Pediatric Cardiologist (you will never get a 100% bill of health) at 20 wks, I am still worried. Ellie was okay at 20 wks too. And it was at her 4D ultrasound at 28 & 30 wks when we discovered her severe heart defect and hydrops. We are having a 4D for Adelaide this Friday and I will be 28.3wks. What if they see something again? And how will I react to the 4D in general? I have been trying hard not to obsessively call my doctor or rush to Labor & Delivery at every twinge of pain or fear. I try not to talk about my constant anxiety and awful thoughts that something is wrong. I try to make other people comfortable when I can and not talk about any of this (except here). I try. I try so very hard.
I know what some of you are thinking. Stop with the dire thoughts. Think positive. Everything will be okay, you just know it will be. Just TRY. That’s what I thought last time too. But now that the unimaginable has happened, it makes it much more real. Bad things happen. Period. And they can certainly happen again. There is no reason why some babies live and others don't. I don't care what your philosophical views are, there just isn't! It's not fair, but that is nature.
I will continue to hold my breath through this pregnancy. And I will continue to worry. But I am hopeful. Enjoy this pregnancy, you say? It's time to move on and stop dwelling on the past when there is nothing I can do about it? You think I should just try harder? Walk two steps in my shoes and tell me that again.