Thursday, May 5, 2011

Pregnancy isn't a "Cure"

It is rare for me to post more than once a week let alone twice in one day, but I recently read something that floored me. For those of you that don't know, I'm about to drop a bomb on you (being just a tad...okay A LOT...bit sarcastic right now).

Pregnancy. Is. Not. A. Cure. It does not magically erase your memory. And it certainly doesn't fill that missing piece of your heart left when your child died. Are you thankful for surviving children? Hell yes! Are you beyond hopeful for a healthy pregnancy after loss? No question! But please, please, never under any circumstances think that a woman who has had a baby die is "better" or over her grief because she is expecting. There is no time frame for "dealing" with that grief. You never get over it. I am 16 months out and hurt everyday although I may not show it.

Being pregnant is bittersweet. I cannot wait to hold this baby and often wish I could fast forward to it being safely in my arms. I am terrified. But this baby is wanted. This baby is wanted to be healthy. This baby is wanted to be alive.

And while we are on it, "thinking positive thoughts," doesn't save lives. Don't tell me to "be positive" for the baby growing inside me. I had NOTHING but good intentions and thoughts about my daughter and it didn't save her. While I held Eleanor in my arms as she died, I thought positive, healing thoughts and she still didn't make it. Some may think there is a reason for everything, but I am still trying to figure that out. So, please spare me your explanation of why I had to watch my daughter die. You insult me and dishonor my daughter by trying to explain something so horrific away. I may not share your belief system...please keep that in mind. I can respect you as long as you respect me.

Calming down now...

Yes, new hope has been brought into our lives with this pregnancy. Yes, we are thankful for our son and all of our babies no matter how short their time was. Yes, life goes on. YAnd yes, the time to walk on egg shells has passed. But, if you have not experienced the death of a child, please think before you speak, and don't assume anything about how me or my family is processing what has happened. You can have no idea what we are going through...and each one of us is different. Please try to be compassionate and continue to be patient with us. Thank you to our loving friends and families who have and never would say the above to us. Sorry for the outburst. 

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