Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Mother's Day in Mourning

First, if you follow my blog I have to report that my husband's result for Cystic Fibrosis came back negative! We are beyond excited. This is one less thing I will be worrying about during my pregnancy. Now...on to the post.

Is it appropriate to wear all black on Mother's Day?

Mother's Day. Oy! Last year I mourned Eleanor. My son is my world and I am crazy about him, and of course I am thankful for him. I know I am a good mother. And a lot of my guilt comes from not being outwardly happier about his health and mere existence, which I most certainly am. But I thought it was going to be different; my two children playing. Thankfully I travelled for work that Sunday and was preoccupied. My husband made breakfast and had my son color a card. It was very sweet. I cried of course; partially out of joy and partially out of grief. I may be travelling again this year for work and actually think it will be better than staying home. I just can bare to think about it.

I also thought this year would be different because I expected to be pregnant...which I am. But I just add two more children to the list of those to mourn. I am beyond happy to be expecting and am 15.2 weeks today. I am terrified, yet hopeful. I haven't connected to the baby yet out of fear since we lost its twin at 9 weeks. (I'm hoping I will soon, but I am just so scared that something will happen or the baby will be sick. The 31st of May CANNOT come soon enough! That is when our ultrasound with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist occurs.) I don't know if holidays, especially family-centered ones, will ever be the same for me.

This doesn't seem to be getting any less painful. Tears stream down my face as I type this. Sorry this post is incoherent. One of those days. I just needed to get something, anything out. I have been crying every day for a week now. Hormones? Fear? Grief? Other mother's who have lost know this feeling well; that irrational day when nothing makes sense and everything reminds you of what has been lost. You ramble on and on until exhaustion sets in and you can no longer process anything. It's only 10 am. It's going to be a loooong day.

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