Wow. For someone who normally posts at least once a month, I can't believe I went five months without writing here. Man, do I need this!
Late at night, when my mind has the real freedom to wonder the most, my thoughts almost always return to Ellie. I think about my pregnancy and the day we learned something was wrong. I think about all the doctors. And I think about holding my baby girl for the first and last time that January evening. Cognitive therapist would tell me to use various coping mechanisms such as counting, taking a warm bath, lighting a candle with my favorite scent, etc. Sometimes they work. Except this time of year.
I have lots of things I want to share; that I NEED to get out. But as soon as I have a thought, it is quickly replaced by an intense emotional response. I start to cry or curl up in a ball. The shower has become my metaphorical couch where I just let the tears roll. That tingle returns in the back of my throat and my head spins. Has this really happened? And then the thought is gone. I'm sure trauma affects the brain. I find it difficult to remember things or focus and don't think it can all be blamed on depression. Am I alone here? Is this 'normal'? I can rememebr every detail, smell, and sound from those last few hours of Ellie's struggle. But I can't remember what I needed to post two nights ago!
It's funny. I forgot where I was going with this post. I just know I missed writing about her and to you, and for me...and just for the blogosphere. I have to remember that I need an outlet. Free from judgment. Anonymous.